the boys

meet the boys.

They're 3 (well, in three weeks he'll be 4) but I'll never age them...like, ever!

and 5.

Carlos and I were married for 5 years before we got pregnant with cruz. And we tried for him, for about 8 months. Then, on September 25 I took a test, and BAM! Those lines!!! And to be quite honest, I was scared. I felt weird. Like, there's something inside my body, something foreign. That something was a baby and it terrified me. I just felt weird. I can't really explain it.

I was also really really really stoked, because we really wanted it, we tried for it. But nonetheless, kind of strange. I mean, a baby growing inside of my body.

fast forward....

Hello due date.... June 3, 2012.... bye June 3,2012...

hello june 4...

hello June 5....

hello June 6...

hello June 7....

hello June 8....

WTF!? RIGHT???

hello June 9...

hello June 10....

hello June 11...

Finally, my dr. decided to induce... well, because he was stubborn and cozy and content (my baby not my dr.). He didn't want out.

41 weeks pregnant.. huge...in summertime.

So I get induced, things happened (well, in my case didn't) heart rates dropped (like low, low), lots of breathing, lots of maneuvering (like a large cow, side to side 🐄), lots of noises.

finally... 18 hours later "we need to get this baby out...NOW! you're having a c-section."

ok fine. let's do this (ok, not really.... I cried)

fast forward another hour or so later, BAM!

Cruz Fredrick

8lbs 12oz

cute af!

now let's fast forward again...

great baby, great sleeper, I had some baby blues (mainly to the fact that I had a c-section and the fact that the world acted like I had failed), I was quite the breastfeeding mama, I lost the weight (and then some....fast).

here we are in April...

a wild night...

fast forward to May...

I felt it...

I knew it...

but I didn't want to believe it....

I had a bachelorette Vegas trip planned 3 days later.... but I knew. And if I acted like I didnt, then I was wrong.

My monthly homie wasn't even due until that weekend, but I knew.

So here I was, taking a pregnancy test when...

omg there are lines..yet, again!

Damn, I was on a baby making roll.

ok, ok...

Here I am, Cruz is 11 months old and I'm 6 weeks pregnant.

I cried.... I couldn't believe (but knew) I was having another baby... while I am currently caring for a baby.

I cried, a lot more than I'd like to admit. I mean, pregnant? right before summer? right before Vegas? right before Cruzs 1st birthday? how the hell? what the hell? how am I going to care for 2 babies? how can we afford another baby?

(selfishly, I wasn't ready)

It was what it was though.

Took me about a week, the shock wore off.

But I was thrilled.

I loved being pregnant, I loved labor (yes, weird, I know) I loved breastfeeding, I loved being a mom.

I can do this again...

Then, I thought "I can have a VBAC, because I just can"

My birth plan with my dr.

A VBAC.

Then, at 8 months pregnant, I went in for my check up and said "I want to schedule another c-section"

My dr. was confused because I told him I wanted to try naturally.

I explained that I don't care how he's born because it doesn't matter. Him getting here safely is what matters, and that was the safest and I knew it.

So we scheduled for January 15, a Wednesday.

Phoenix WIlliam

7 lbs 14 oz

He was different. Not quite like Cruz.

Cried a little more, slept a little less.

My baby blues didn't really exist this time around. Maybe it was because I was still in baby mode. I mean Cruz was only a year and a half. Or maybe it was the lack of sleep, because Phoenix had a set of lungs on him.

Truth though, having the boys so close in age (19 months apart) has been the greatest blessing I didn't know I needed.

When I thought I was robbing Cruz of his childhood by bringing another baby into the world.

I wasn't.

I gave him the greatest gift of all, a brother.

They have each other.

Forever.

If I could go back and if I knew then what I know now, Phoenix would have been planned. I would have done it over and over and over again, because having them together and so close was the best decision I didn't make!

God knew exactly what I needed, before I even did.